As I prepare for a new month after yesterday’s full moon (Aroooooo!), I tend to go inwards in reflection; looking at where the last month has taken me, especially in October because that’s when my son’s birthday is. He is turning 20 this year, what?! I feel like October is a transformative month overall and this year it has been no exception.
As I come up on my first year anniversary of being solely self-employed (instead of having a plan B hanging around in case I failed), I look back with deep appreciation on the massive fear that pushed me through to create big changes and to transform how I show up in my day to day. Because I did experience fear, and insecurity, and self-judgement, and even panic.
The first and best thing I did was to acknowledge I was feeling all of these things out loud to a mentor of mine. I am really good at hiding these things, and somehow I was able to override that and recognize that if I wanted to truly uplevel how I was showing up for my own clients, I would need to do the work rather than keep stuffing it down. I hired two coaches, yup, not just one, but two. And I honestly couldn’t quite afford to, but I also knew I couldn’t afford not to because of how my inner dialogues was trying to sabotage my growth. You see, I can help my clients navigate these experiences quite skillfully (if I do say so myself), but I have my own inner blindspots that allow me to skip over the hard stuff, just like everyone else. I wanted to look at these blind spots, the darker parts that I didn’t want to acknowledge out loud, the parts that my mind expertly offers up to hold me back, keep me in the safe zone. But the safe zone wasn’t safe any longer, it was now the stagnant zone.
I was pushed further than I ever have been, and so much of it was uncomfortable, emotional, vulnerable. So much of me wanted to just stop because it felt too hard and overwhelming to let the gunk out. I looked at my failures, judgements and insecurities with a bright spotlight, feeling shame and weakness. I have not been very kind to myself. I have not offered myself very much compassion. I have not offered myself very much love.
As I deepened my learning, as I expanded my consciousness through the consistency of meditation, communication and the simple act of presence, I felt things shifting. I found the parts of me that are unwavering; my heart of service, my profound desire to be of service to all who enter my sphere. I began to recognize the deep power and strength I have in my core and more than anything, I want everyone to recognize that they have this same power. We are all powerful.
When I look up the definition of power, the ones that most resonate with what I’m trying to communicate are:
The ability to act or produce an effect
a source or means of supplying energy
The definition of powerful is to have great prestige and/or influence. Inner power relates more to your mind and inner spirit. And when I tap into these definitions, my sense is that feeling your inner power is really about a connection, an expansion to connection with that source (whatever that is for you) that supplies you with the energy to be you, wholly and fully.
For me, being powerful in myself means being connected to my truth, my vision, my confidence and my abilities. It means that I am willing to see the fear and move forward despite it. It reminds me that there is power in the softness and the reminder that there is absolutely no point in denying yourself love, ever. I finally understand why this quote is one of my all-time favourites.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.”
Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love
I was worried about shining light into where the darkness was, and what I found is that what frightened me the most was how whole, complete and loved I am.
I write this to remind you that you are not broken, you don’t need to be fixed. Transformation, expansion is a path to a remembering who you were before you became layered in expectations, shame, disappointment and comparison. To deny yourself that level of power and freedom within yourself, now THAT is the real shame. When I work with you, it’s to help you peel those layers back, to go inwards - not to fix - but to help you reveal so that you can shine again, so you can stand tall and strong (no matter your height!) and feel connected to that part of you that continues to seek the spark that life is offering us.